Compadres! Family! Friends and Strangers! Greetings!
I read back through some previous blogs and discovered I could never make it as a full-time employee and good blogger simultaneously. It has been exactly one year since I posted my last entry. Oddly enough, I could almost use the same entry to describe where and how we are 370 days later. In fact, Bradley's work week has been so tough, he is currently asleep upstairs and has been since 5pm tonight. His schedule for the next two-few weeks include work shifts from 1am-4pm mixed in with regular 8am-7pm days, too. It's taking a toll on his body which has been battling a cold for about a week but yet, he pushes through and reminds me that all this over time and odd hours is better worked now than when we have a child.
So, today, September 18 2013 8:23PM. I sit in our "new" house living room. Clicking away on the laptop. The house is quiet. The house is so strangely quiet. I think the most common phrase I've heard from people giving their advice on what it will be like to be a parent is, "Enjoy the peace and quiet now. Get all the good sleep you can. Because when you have a child it will be 18 long years before you have that again!" My response (if only in my head): wahh wahhn "Thanks Debbie Downer". No, I understand that "everything changes" when you have a baby. Or maybe I don't understand but I think I have been told enough to believe it and defend it to the end, whether I understand it yet or not.
I received word from our social worker recently that we have finally (!!!!!!) moved into the long awaited and sought-after spotlight. We are now #2 on the list! This means, when an expectant mother contacts the agency and says she is ready to review to-be parent profiles, she will actually see ours! The top three waiting families are shown and the mother has the opportunity to choose one of those or perhaps decide to be shown other profiles. But typically, it's one of the top three families that are entrusted next with the gift of being parents. While this is all very exciting, currently there are no expectant mothers waiting to choose families. So, as we have done for the last (almost 6 years of marriage) we wait with measured portions of hope and anticipation for the news that we may become parents.
I'd like to direct you to read one of my previous blog posts called "Adoption Etiquette" which I think had some good points. Perhaps you read it before and it would just be a refresher. I also want to invite you to consider that while I love to talk about the adoption process (especially to those who are interested in pursuing adoption themselves or those who are very unfamiliar with it) there will be even less mention about our personal position in the adoption process than before (if you can believe that's possible).
Let me 'splain a little bit more. At this point, a mother may approach the agency and be receiving counseling through them or perhaps has already given birth to her child. She will then decide if adoption is her choice and follow those steps to understand the process, make arrangements to follow through, and begin the emotional journey of her decision (whichever way she chooses to go). If she decides to place her child with another family,I think this may be the point where she is given the chance to look through the top 3 waiting family profile photo albums. If there is family or 2 who she would like to learn more about, the waiting family will be contacted and given a very very brief(1-2 sentence)summary that a possible match is waiting. If the family decides they are ready to have their profile shown, a limited and confidential (non-identifying) profile may be shared about the expectant mother and father (if available)with a waiting family. If the waiting family decides that they would like to accept this match, then a meeting is arranged to introduce the mother (and in some cases the father) and the waiting family in person. By this point, it is more than likely, though unofficially, already an agreed match. It would be decided then, between both families, how to proceed and how communication will continue, etc. However, it is very important to know, that a mother has a right to decide to keep her child(ren)up to 10 days after birth, even if the child goes home immediately with the waiting family. She may choose not to place her child(ren) and to instead raise them. It is her right. It is a difficult thing for many waiting families who begin the bonding process after birth and in their very own homes with this child who is soothed by, fed, changed, loved by their his/her new parents. This is why, in our case, we have not and will not be sharing information about potential matches until the moment has come when we can respectfully and without a doubt say, our child is home with us and we are proud to introduce _____ to our friends and family. We have chosen (accepted)the option of an at-risk placement, which means the child is placed directly in your care but with the risk of being returned to his/her first mother before 10 days is up. So, while many of you have emphasized how excited you were to read something you thought was a hint to a pending adoption, I hate to burst your bubbles, but it is or was not. Only the very clear, no question statement will be made about the match.
We have, for example, had some opportunities presented to us but for one reason or another they were not matches. Had we shared the potential excitement each time, it would be difficult (emotionally and time-wise) to explain to everyone when it didn't work out. It is also a very very private matter and explaining why a match didn't work out is not something that we care to share either. I'd be happy to share person-to-person why we don't want to share it (so that you understand what some people may go through when adopting) but will not share the specifics of why a specific opportunity was not a match for us. Does that make sense? So, just know that you can ask, but I may simply let you know that it's private. As I wrote in the "Adoption Etiquette" piece, please don't take it personally as a rejection, it's just simply ours to hold in confidence.
SOOOOOOO, that being said, if I get any better at writing more on this blog, you may hear from me soon. Otherwise, the next time I post on "Baby Steps" it may be with a photo of our little one(s). By-the-way, I keep throwing out the "child(ren)" and "one(s)" plural forms because we have on our applications that we are accepting of multiples. So any prayers, positive energies, thoughts sent our way for multiples are as equally appreciated as those for any other reason.
Cheers to you all in each of your homes, apartments, offices, cars, favorite restaurants/bars, or wherever you may be when you read this. May you each be blessed with the opportunity to wait long and hard for something that is so worth while! I can tell you, building up years and years of love and anticipation for this child(ren) who we've never met or might not even be conceived yet, has me just evermore grateful for all the people who are making this possible (friends' and family support, the adoption agency, other waiting families, financial supporters, and most importantly the mother who will choose us to raise her child).
Buenas Noches!
-Erica 9:16PM
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Home again. Home again.
(Disclaimer: I wrote this with paragraphs but apparently EBlogger doesn't DOOoo paragraphs and it took them out. So I apologize for the HUGE paragraph.)
Reporting live from our new home, we have completed the most recent steps for the home study. We had to have cabinet locks, locked medicine boxes, fire extinguishers, etc. all here at the house though they don't have to be installed yet.
While our house passed without any concerns, we are only approved for one child at this time (though we are open to a multiple birth adoption) because we only have one extra bedroom with a bed and one dresser/closet. So in order to be actually approved for placement of multiple children, we would need to have the "2 beds" and "2 closets or dressers" available. If a mother of multiple children chose us we would have notice and be able to get those at that time and then be approved so unless a mother finds us immediately it's all good.
From what I understand, this is it. Now we officially just wait (for 6 months). If no child has been placed in that time, then we have to update finances, have another home visit, update whatever else is required to update, I think... I got lost in that conversation day dreaming of the possibility of being parents within 6 months.
Meanwhile, Bradley is working long hours at his full time job and pulling at least one full day a week at his part-time job, plus additional hours as possible after his full time shift. While I'm happy that Bradley's working so hard for us, I miss him. But each hour he works and isn't here now, is possibly another hour he can then spend at home when we have a child.
I'm loving my job and my supervisor just asked me the other day about maternity leave. Talk about a reality check. I've let him know that it could be 2 years before a child is placed with us... but I suppose it could be sooner, too. That brought up a new thought to me...maternity leave.
While birth mothers are eligible for paid time off after a child is born for "Short-term Disability" neither of us (my supervisor nor I) knew if that would apply to me. I would of course be given unpaid time off for maternity leave and they would not let me go, but compensation for time off may not apply. Any adoptive parents know anything about this? I suppose it's best to find out as soon as possible.
And then there is the preparation for nursing. Friends of Bradley and mine are eagerly anticipating the birth of their baby boy who they will be adopting ANY DAY NOW!!! She is going to be nursing and has had to begin a weeks long regimen of medications and daily pumping (with a goal of 8 times per day!!!)to trigger her body to produce milk in time for baby's arrival (ANY DAY NOW!!! can you tell I'm excited for them?). While they knew (5?) months in advance that they would be adopting their boy, I'm wondering how it works for mothers who don't know that far in advance. How far in advance is too far in advance? Then again, she also reassured me that of course if for some reason I'm unable to produce milk, there are organic and safe formulas or other sources available, too. While I hope to nurse for as long as possible while our baby is ... well a baby... I am a bit relieved to be reminded that there are options.
Another thought that comes to the forefront as we are now approved for waiting, is fundraising. I welcome ideas for how to fund raise, find grants, or other means to help us to pay for the adoption costs. While we're being frugal and doing our best to plan ahead, the costs are still significant. We welcome ideas anyone has. The pay pal donations were very kind and those who donated are so greatly appreciated, but they only covered the application fee of $200. So we have a way to go to reach our goal of $6000. That will cover the adoption fees. We have already planned for and hope to have enough to pay for the mother's hospital bills unless she should choose to have a home birth or natural birth with a midwife only... which would be my dream come true (for the sake of her and baby... not because of the money). Anyway, I ramble.
Time to go do some laundry and housework while Bradley's out working hard to provide for his family.
Love and peace to you all who have taken the time to read this.
Erica
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Le Foto Album!
Oui oui! Our album is complete... at least until we move. Sigh. The next few months of our lives will prove to be, it is my prediction, quite difficult. I have resigned from my position as Director of Day Support, am still working to complete my work to become a Board Certified Positive Behavior Support Facilitator, minutes ago we signed an acceptance on an offer made to purchase our house, and there is the potential of a child joining us in the next 2 years.
Then again, my not having a job come May 9th may lead to the banks not helping us with a home loan, which may lead to us living in smaller more temporary housing, which in turn could delay the adoption placement. My resignation timing may have been poor, but it was necessary. I know that things work out, "It's all going to be all right". I believe that. Hard times usually pass and coming through them means the start of a better day!
ANYWAY, our album is now complete and you may view it (hopefully by clicking on this web link or copying and pasting it to your browser. Be sure to click on "Full screen view" or else the images will be distorted and you may not be able to read the small print)
http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AcNWLZi2auGLC_g&cid=SFLYOCWIDGET
Of course when if/when I find a new job, and if/when we move into a new home, we will have to update our book and reprint for mothers to see a more accurate picture of our lives.
And just when I thought, "That's it! Now all we do is wait!" we got a letter in the mail; TODAY! It stated that we may be excused from having to complete all the new requirements for our home before the homestudy is considered "complete". I believe we will be grandfathered in. Otherwise, it would mean we have to be ready for a placement at any given moment, (ex. have beds or crib/pack-n-play/etc. in place for each potential child, have extra fire extinguishers in certain locations, have all meds locked up, emergency evacuation plan and supplies in place,etc).
So stay tuned! We'll be making ch-ch-ch-changes in many big aspects of our lives and will have plenty to report soon.
Then again, my not having a job come May 9th may lead to the banks not helping us with a home loan, which may lead to us living in smaller more temporary housing, which in turn could delay the adoption placement. My resignation timing may have been poor, but it was necessary. I know that things work out, "It's all going to be all right". I believe that. Hard times usually pass and coming through them means the start of a better day!
ANYWAY, our album is now complete and you may view it (hopefully by clicking on this web link or copying and pasting it to your browser. Be sure to click on "Full screen view" or else the images will be distorted and you may not be able to read the small print)
http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AcNWLZi2auGLC_g&cid=SFLYOCWIDGET
Of course when if/when I find a new job, and if/when we move into a new home, we will have to update our book and reprint for mothers to see a more accurate picture of our lives.
And just when I thought, "That's it! Now all we do is wait!" we got a letter in the mail; TODAY! It stated that we may be excused from having to complete all the new requirements for our home before the homestudy is considered "complete". I believe we will be grandfathered in. Otherwise, it would mean we have to be ready for a placement at any given moment, (ex. have beds or crib/pack-n-play/etc. in place for each potential child, have extra fire extinguishers in certain locations, have all meds locked up, emergency evacuation plan and supplies in place,etc).
So stay tuned! We'll be making ch-ch-ch-changes in many big aspects of our lives and will have plenty to report soon.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Home Study- Complete!
Home Study- COMPLETED!
Technically, as of February 10th at around 5pm, our Home Study was completed, ending with our home visit! The home study will officially be complete sometime this week (likely on Valentine’s Day) when it is approved and submitted before the deadline (Valentine’s Day). Phew… just under the wire. We are now at the bottom of the list (12th) for potential adoptive parents being represented through CCC in the Roanoke area.
Our home visit consisted of giving our social worker a tour of our house and property. While we don’t necessarily have everything set up to bring a child into our home next week, we were advised to set up the house as though we were meeting Foster Parent requirements. The regulations are quite strict and we may have gotten in just in time as the requirements are expected to become even more intensive this May! We need to have certain things locked up (cleaners, medicines, etc.) and meet safety regs within the home. Technically, we will be Foster Parents for a period of time until all parental rights are relinquished to us, even if the mother chooses us to be adoptive parents. As it was explained to us, that could be within 10 days of the birth of the child or it could be several months, if the paternal rights have not legally been terminated (due to delay in notifying him or exhausting all means of finding him without success). Either way, once a child is placed with us we are told to mentally and emotionally prepare ourselves for the possibility of the child returning to his or her parents until final placement is given.
Because we opted for an “at-risk placement” (having temporary custody of a child before both parents have terminated their rights) we are also accepting that the child could be placed with us immediately upon leaving the hospital. We really wanted that in order to begin the bonding right away and to potentially begin breast feeding. Our social worker told us that more and more mothers are wanting their child to go home with the adoptive family right away, even sometimes allowing them to stay in the hospital until the baby is released, so they can visit with, feed, even sleep in the same room as the baby. That would be ideal. That is what we hope to happen.
All that is left for us to do before our names go on the prospective parents list for mothers to review, is to finish our profile book which is essentially a photo album and at a glance summary of our lives. Once we do that, we have only to wait for calls from our social worker.
So that everyone who reads this is aware, the waiting period will be a time we keep fairly private. Similar, I suppose, to the choice a couple makes to not share that they are expecting until the 3rd month of pregnancy, we too, will not be announcing every call from our social worker that indicates a mother would like to review our profile. As our social worker warned us, there may be several or many calls in the next few years but we must keep in mind that just because a mother reviews our profile, or even narrows us down to a couple families, or even decides to choose us for placement, things can change. Telling everyone, every time there is a potential child to place with us, would likely be too difficult for us to have to explain every time plans change. We will rely on our closest supports for prayers and comfort through those difficult times. It is our choice to reserve the right to keep our hopes to ourselves and appreciate everyone’s understandings if/when we choose not to talk about each potential placement. When there is good news, that we are confident about, we will share it in due time and welcome prayers and celebration then. We may answer simply with “We’re still waiting,” which will not be untrue. Please do not take offense but know that is just a way for us to deal with the roller coaster in our own way, without bringing everyone else along for the emotional ride.
So our last project before we start getting these inquiring calls, is to put this photo album together to show mothers who we are in about 40 or fewer photos! Whew… it’s hard to express to a stranger who may never meet you, what your beliefs, family life, interests, personalities and life goals are in as few words as possible. We have to find photos that are unique and creative and interesting because a mother’s and father’s glances may be our only chance to introduce ourselves. We don’t have any professional photos other than what were taken at our wedding, so we may look into getting some taken… something unusual and creative. There is one local photographer we are considering. But now I am just rambling.
At last, we have reached the end of the paperwork (at least until the legal matters come into play). So within a few years… could be as long as 3 years… we hope to have wonderful news to share with you all. In the meantime, we appreciate your prayers for strength as we receive calls, interviews, hopes and heartbreaks while we wait, and prayers for the mothers out there who are dealing with the very difficult and loving decision to place their child into the care of someone else.
Technically, as of February 10th at around 5pm, our Home Study was completed, ending with our home visit! The home study will officially be complete sometime this week (likely on Valentine’s Day) when it is approved and submitted before the deadline (Valentine’s Day). Phew… just under the wire. We are now at the bottom of the list (12th) for potential adoptive parents being represented through CCC in the Roanoke area.
Our home visit consisted of giving our social worker a tour of our house and property. While we don’t necessarily have everything set up to bring a child into our home next week, we were advised to set up the house as though we were meeting Foster Parent requirements. The regulations are quite strict and we may have gotten in just in time as the requirements are expected to become even more intensive this May! We need to have certain things locked up (cleaners, medicines, etc.) and meet safety regs within the home. Technically, we will be Foster Parents for a period of time until all parental rights are relinquished to us, even if the mother chooses us to be adoptive parents. As it was explained to us, that could be within 10 days of the birth of the child or it could be several months, if the paternal rights have not legally been terminated (due to delay in notifying him or exhausting all means of finding him without success). Either way, once a child is placed with us we are told to mentally and emotionally prepare ourselves for the possibility of the child returning to his or her parents until final placement is given.
Because we opted for an “at-risk placement” (having temporary custody of a child before both parents have terminated their rights) we are also accepting that the child could be placed with us immediately upon leaving the hospital. We really wanted that in order to begin the bonding right away and to potentially begin breast feeding. Our social worker told us that more and more mothers are wanting their child to go home with the adoptive family right away, even sometimes allowing them to stay in the hospital until the baby is released, so they can visit with, feed, even sleep in the same room as the baby. That would be ideal. That is what we hope to happen.
All that is left for us to do before our names go on the prospective parents list for mothers to review, is to finish our profile book which is essentially a photo album and at a glance summary of our lives. Once we do that, we have only to wait for calls from our social worker.
So that everyone who reads this is aware, the waiting period will be a time we keep fairly private. Similar, I suppose, to the choice a couple makes to not share that they are expecting until the 3rd month of pregnancy, we too, will not be announcing every call from our social worker that indicates a mother would like to review our profile. As our social worker warned us, there may be several or many calls in the next few years but we must keep in mind that just because a mother reviews our profile, or even narrows us down to a couple families, or even decides to choose us for placement, things can change. Telling everyone, every time there is a potential child to place with us, would likely be too difficult for us to have to explain every time plans change. We will rely on our closest supports for prayers and comfort through those difficult times. It is our choice to reserve the right to keep our hopes to ourselves and appreciate everyone’s understandings if/when we choose not to talk about each potential placement. When there is good news, that we are confident about, we will share it in due time and welcome prayers and celebration then. We may answer simply with “We’re still waiting,” which will not be untrue. Please do not take offense but know that is just a way for us to deal with the roller coaster in our own way, without bringing everyone else along for the emotional ride.
So our last project before we start getting these inquiring calls, is to put this photo album together to show mothers who we are in about 40 or fewer photos! Whew… it’s hard to express to a stranger who may never meet you, what your beliefs, family life, interests, personalities and life goals are in as few words as possible. We have to find photos that are unique and creative and interesting because a mother’s and father’s glances may be our only chance to introduce ourselves. We don’t have any professional photos other than what were taken at our wedding, so we may look into getting some taken… something unusual and creative. There is one local photographer we are considering. But now I am just rambling.
At last, we have reached the end of the paperwork (at least until the legal matters come into play). So within a few years… could be as long as 3 years… we hope to have wonderful news to share with you all. In the meantime, we appreciate your prayers for strength as we receive calls, interviews, hopes and heartbreaks while we wait, and prayers for the mothers out there who are dealing with the very difficult and loving decision to place their child into the care of someone else.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Adoption Etiquette
We have rung in a new year and with it may come many changes in our lives; not least of said changes would be the possibility of becoming parents. Today is January 3, 2012. 2-0-1-2. I remember when any of the ought years seemed so far away and futuristic and now we are into the second decade of the century. We are approaching the middle of our lives and will, hopefully, soon be parenting child(ren)who will look far off into his/her future and think, "Wow. The year 2025 is forever away!". Likewise, he/she may look back in the year 2025 and think back to 2012 as being soooo long ago. If we adopt an infant this year, he/she will be about age twelve in the year 2025. How's that for a reality check? And when he/she is old enough to drive it will be around the year 2030! And when he/she is old enough to rent a vehicle it will be about 2037! Uh huh... chew on that! And our child may not even be a sparkle in his/her mom's eye as of right now. But oh how I expect time to fly from this point forward... well until we meet our little bundle of sweetness time will probably feel like it's dragging it's hands(er... in this digital age time will be dragging it's satellite signal).
Okay. I digress. My title was "Adoption Etiquette". Have I already written about this before? Either I have or I've just thought about it for a long time. Did you know there are particular words to use and not use when speaking to families choosing adoption? I know I may be bringing to light some things that people have said, and the intention is not make people feel bad, but rather to give some perspective on feelings and thoughts that they may not have otherwise considered, especially not having been through the same sort of situation themselves. (Isn't that just like everything? Sometimes we mean well but because we're not in the same shoes and haven't been "educated" or had honest discussions... or blogs... about a topic we end up saying the wrong things or at least less than helpful things). Okay so here are some common things that you can take with you and consider to avoid or use in your next conversation with someone regarding adoption. Again, no offense intended. Some of these are from our class and some are from people I know who have adopted. Some are from our own experiences. All are intended to help you and others around you gain perspective. And by-the-way, I'm totally open to discussion and questions if you ever want to bounce questions off me. I'll only share what I'm comfortable with and won't be shy to say, "I'd rather not answer that," without being embarassed or offended. I promise.
Okay here goes:
1) A mother does not "give up her child for adoption". She "chooses adoption". It's a very difficult and painful decision because she cares enough to consider her child's best interests.
2)A mother is the mother is the mother. When her child is adopted by a family, the child's mother is then the woman who raises him/her. It is okay to then refer to the 1st mother as "birthmother". But remember, a family who adopts is the "real" family, the "real mother," the "real father" as much as the birth parents are "real". So please don't refer to the birthmother as the "real" mother. That may hurt the child and the rest of the family.
3) Please understand that though you've heard of a story where your friend's Aunt's 1st cousin got pregnant as soon as they decided to adopt, does not mean that everyone who decides to adopt a child will miraculously conceive a child "completely unexpectedly". Infertility is a painful thing and though there are some cases when people have been known to get pregnant after adopting, it's not something a couple necessarily wants to hear as a gesture of "hope". Adoption is exciting in itself because a couple chooses whole-heartedly to adopt. It's not a fertility treatment plan.
4) Adoption comes with a lot of grief. The mother who is deciding to choose a family to raise her child is grieving the loss of her child. A child, even a newborn, is potentially in the care of 3 different families (birth mother, foster home, adoptive parents) before he/she is even a month old. The child is grieving the loss of security in those crucial first days (or months or years) of life and has to adjust to many changes beyond what is typical. All this being said, respect a family's wishes to spend a lot of private time together at first to help the child transition to (yet another) home in his/her short life and build trust in his/her new home.
5)Please remember that a child who is adopted may have many questions left unanswered about his/her birth parents throughout life. The story about the birth parents belongs to the child and is very private as it may, in some cases, be the only connection and tie to his/her biological family history. Therefore, if a family chooses not to share about a birthmother's story, and chooses to let the child decide for him/herself whether to share that information or keep it confidential forever, is his/her right. Don't be offended if some or most information is not divulged... it's just precious and private and belongs to someone else.
6)NEVER ever speak negatively or even pitifully about a birth parent in front of their child... or even to others (words get around). Unless you are speaking about your own story, it is not polite or helpful to a child to hear harsh words about his/her parents. They are still, after all, his/her biological parents. (Ex. Don't say, "Oh he is so cute! How could anyone give him up?!" because that's very insensitive to the mother and child).
7) Be careful when using the term "adoption" for anything other than a child (especially in front of a child who was adopted). Reason; a child should never question that his/her adoption is real and permanent. Unlike adopting a pet or a highway, adopting a child is a lifelong commitment and cannot be reversed. It is an intentional choice. In class they used the example that a child may hear the term "adopted a puppy" and see that puppy be given away because it was "bad" and associate it with him/herself because he/she is "adopted". That was an eye opener for me.
8) Don't use the word "adoption" like it's a bad word and don't glorify it as a title or label either. Adoption is a part of a person's beginning but it does not define a person. Just like we don't typically introduce our children as, "... Erica, my vaginally-delivered-by-me daughter," don't introduce a person as someone's "adopted daughter". It's just not necessary or telling of anything. Families are typically comfortable with others knowing about their choice for adoption but they also don't typically think of it as being part of their family intros.
9)this goes with #4... If a mother chooses to feed her child (this doesn't just apply to adoptions) she should feed her child. Feeding is a vital bonding experience to aid in the relationship between mother and child. Even if the child is bottle fed, do NOT offer to feed the infant or bath the infant, etc. No one but mom and dad should feed an infant in the early stages of bonding. It is all the more necessary for a mother to do these things with an infant who was born to another mother because there is a missing biology to connect the two and they need all the opportunities they can get to develop that bond. So if you are helping out, change little baby, talk to little baby but when baby is hungry... wake mommy up and say, "here's little baby. Little baby's hungry" and let them bond.
10) Don't stare at interacial/blended families or families with children with disabilities. It's not polite and would it really change your life if you never found out if "that child is adopted or not" or what the family's story is? Chances are if you're asking, you might already have a good guess and unless you have a personal connection, it's fine to just smile genuinely as you would with any family and keep walking.
Gosh, I feel like I'm lecturing and i haven't even experienced most of these yet! Anyway, I'm getting tired and will be heading to bed now.
Write me if you have any questions or comments about Do's and Don'ts! I'd love to learn what you think or what should be added to the list. Of course also, it should be noted, I was not referencing our class curriculum so I left out a lot of helpful info, I'm sure. But those are what came to me on a whim.
Peace to you all, this chilly January night.
-Erica
Okay. I digress. My title was "Adoption Etiquette". Have I already written about this before? Either I have or I've just thought about it for a long time. Did you know there are particular words to use and not use when speaking to families choosing adoption? I know I may be bringing to light some things that people have said, and the intention is not make people feel bad, but rather to give some perspective on feelings and thoughts that they may not have otherwise considered, especially not having been through the same sort of situation themselves. (Isn't that just like everything? Sometimes we mean well but because we're not in the same shoes and haven't been "educated" or had honest discussions... or blogs... about a topic we end up saying the wrong things or at least less than helpful things). Okay so here are some common things that you can take with you and consider to avoid or use in your next conversation with someone regarding adoption. Again, no offense intended. Some of these are from our class and some are from people I know who have adopted. Some are from our own experiences. All are intended to help you and others around you gain perspective. And by-the-way, I'm totally open to discussion and questions if you ever want to bounce questions off me. I'll only share what I'm comfortable with and won't be shy to say, "I'd rather not answer that," without being embarassed or offended. I promise.
Okay here goes:
1) A mother does not "give up her child for adoption". She "chooses adoption". It's a very difficult and painful decision because she cares enough to consider her child's best interests.
2)A mother is the mother is the mother. When her child is adopted by a family, the child's mother is then the woman who raises him/her. It is okay to then refer to the 1st mother as "birthmother". But remember, a family who adopts is the "real" family, the "real mother," the "real father" as much as the birth parents are "real". So please don't refer to the birthmother as the "real" mother. That may hurt the child and the rest of the family.
3) Please understand that though you've heard of a story where your friend's Aunt's 1st cousin got pregnant as soon as they decided to adopt, does not mean that everyone who decides to adopt a child will miraculously conceive a child "completely unexpectedly". Infertility is a painful thing and though there are some cases when people have been known to get pregnant after adopting, it's not something a couple necessarily wants to hear as a gesture of "hope". Adoption is exciting in itself because a couple chooses whole-heartedly to adopt. It's not a fertility treatment plan.
4) Adoption comes with a lot of grief. The mother who is deciding to choose a family to raise her child is grieving the loss of her child. A child, even a newborn, is potentially in the care of 3 different families (birth mother, foster home, adoptive parents) before he/she is even a month old. The child is grieving the loss of security in those crucial first days (or months or years) of life and has to adjust to many changes beyond what is typical. All this being said, respect a family's wishes to spend a lot of private time together at first to help the child transition to (yet another) home in his/her short life and build trust in his/her new home.
5)Please remember that a child who is adopted may have many questions left unanswered about his/her birth parents throughout life. The story about the birth parents belongs to the child and is very private as it may, in some cases, be the only connection and tie to his/her biological family history. Therefore, if a family chooses not to share about a birthmother's story, and chooses to let the child decide for him/herself whether to share that information or keep it confidential forever, is his/her right. Don't be offended if some or most information is not divulged... it's just precious and private and belongs to someone else.
6)NEVER ever speak negatively or even pitifully about a birth parent in front of their child... or even to others (words get around). Unless you are speaking about your own story, it is not polite or helpful to a child to hear harsh words about his/her parents. They are still, after all, his/her biological parents. (Ex. Don't say, "Oh he is so cute! How could anyone give him up?!" because that's very insensitive to the mother and child).
7) Be careful when using the term "adoption" for anything other than a child (especially in front of a child who was adopted). Reason; a child should never question that his/her adoption is real and permanent. Unlike adopting a pet or a highway, adopting a child is a lifelong commitment and cannot be reversed. It is an intentional choice. In class they used the example that a child may hear the term "adopted a puppy" and see that puppy be given away because it was "bad" and associate it with him/herself because he/she is "adopted". That was an eye opener for me.
8) Don't use the word "adoption" like it's a bad word and don't glorify it as a title or label either. Adoption is a part of a person's beginning but it does not define a person. Just like we don't typically introduce our children as, "... Erica, my vaginally-delivered-by-me daughter," don't introduce a person as someone's "adopted daughter". It's just not necessary or telling of anything. Families are typically comfortable with others knowing about their choice for adoption but they also don't typically think of it as being part of their family intros.
9)this goes with #4... If a mother chooses to feed her child (this doesn't just apply to adoptions) she should feed her child. Feeding is a vital bonding experience to aid in the relationship between mother and child. Even if the child is bottle fed, do NOT offer to feed the infant or bath the infant, etc. No one but mom and dad should feed an infant in the early stages of bonding. It is all the more necessary for a mother to do these things with an infant who was born to another mother because there is a missing biology to connect the two and they need all the opportunities they can get to develop that bond. So if you are helping out, change little baby, talk to little baby but when baby is hungry... wake mommy up and say, "here's little baby. Little baby's hungry" and let them bond.
10) Don't stare at interacial/blended families or families with children with disabilities. It's not polite and would it really change your life if you never found out if "that child is adopted or not" or what the family's story is? Chances are if you're asking, you might already have a good guess and unless you have a personal connection, it's fine to just smile genuinely as you would with any family and keep walking.
Gosh, I feel like I'm lecturing and i haven't even experienced most of these yet! Anyway, I'm getting tired and will be heading to bed now.
Write me if you have any questions or comments about Do's and Don'ts! I'd love to learn what you think or what should be added to the list. Of course also, it should be noted, I was not referencing our class curriculum so I left out a lot of helpful info, I'm sure. But those are what came to me on a whim.
Peace to you all, this chilly January night.
-Erica
Friday, November 18, 2011
Adoption 101
I'm an aunt!!! I now carry the wonderful and beautiful title of Aunt Erica! Bradley and I became uncle and aunt on November 3rd of this year to a beautiful baby boy. He, his mother and father are doing well and as all you parents know, adjusting to the changes of going from 2 to 2plus1. Bradley and I will get to meet him next week and I have every intention of showering him with affection and admiration for as long as his mom & dad will let me. Hearing the news of my sister-in-law's labor had me so anxious for the 24hrs until he was born. I was so excited and nervous and concerned and eager that I could not sleep well and had to try very hard to focus on work. And to finally have seen a photo of him, I just teared up and melted. There he was. Our tiny little nephew. I cannot wait to hold him and look at his miniature fingernails and toes and ears and nose. I can't wait to hear his little coos and burps and farts. I can't wait to see him looking around and falling asleep. Little guy. It's always been wonderful and sweet to see friends' babies and children but it's a much deeper rooted love and sense of aww when it's your brother/sister (in-law)'s child. What joy he brings to our family!
Adoption stuff:
So we've attended two of the required classes for our home study. In our class there are 5 couples including Bradley and me who are first time adoptive parents. One couple already has a child and the rest of us are going to be first time parents. All but one couple are adopting domestically at this point but that sort of thing can change. Our first class felt a bit like the first day of a college course. We had an icebreaker and followed a power point for a good portion of the time. We were given a bound packet of papers to keep and follow along. It's got articles and outlines and info galore! Though I've learned a lot about the history of adoption and stages of grief and of emotions that all parties share, I have to say one of my favorite parts has been getting to meet a family who has adopted, in each class. So far we met a couple who adopted an infant out of state and had a most wonderful experience and another couple who adopted (twice now) from Korea. The domestic adoption was the first introduced. They were present for the birth of their child, allowed to stay in the hospital with their child on the second night, and able to take the child home with them 2 days later when the child was released from the hospital. They have a strong relationship with the mother and family and have grown close to them, making it a wonderful opportunity for their child to some day know his/her birth parents. Of course, most adoptions do not happen that way and parents are not always able to bring home their child so quickly, but it was a beautiful account of a precious moment in all their lives. We also get to meet the children who join the families which is fun. And I love to see the little babies! The international adoption brought to light what a journey (literally and figuratively) it can be to simply meet and bring home your child. While they had a good experience, there are things they are learning about cross cultural adoptions that were, I think, helpful to hear.
We've also met cool couples in our class and I'm very excited for them as well! Some are already in the waiting pool and some are, like us, just about to turn everything in and join the club. Bradley and I have turned everything in, minus one thing Bradley has left to do, and then we will have our second interview, have our homevisit(s)and get approved for the waiting list. Our last big piece of the puzzle while waiting to meet mothers will be to create a scrapbook on Shutterfly to introduce ourselves to the mothers/fathers looking to find good homes for their child(ren). I think I'll start on the scrapbook tonight. I'm so very excited to put it together and yet, there is a little pressure as we have to represent ourselves briefly in only the few pages of this book. That first impression is what sparks or quenches a mother's interest in us and will help her decide if we are the right parents for her child. One couple showed us their book (it was so well put together!) and said the hardest part was finding photos to represent all they do in their lives. Usually people don't have photos of many of the things they like to do, like running or cooking, knitting, painting, volunteering. I didn't really think about it until they mentioned it so we'll be taking a lot of pictures of us doing regular things so we can "demonstrate" our lives in a nutshell. Exciting! YAY! If you have the perfect candid (or I guess posed) shot of us, feel free to e-mail it to me and it may just make it into the book! It doesn't have to be just of Bradley and/or me. We want pictures that represent our lives, including friends and family. Join us in our preparations for this little one's mother and/or father to consider us a good home!
And now I think I will start on that album. Fun fun fun! Night night and have a wonderful, lovely, love-filled Thanksgiving!
Adoption stuff:
So we've attended two of the required classes for our home study. In our class there are 5 couples including Bradley and me who are first time adoptive parents. One couple already has a child and the rest of us are going to be first time parents. All but one couple are adopting domestically at this point but that sort of thing can change. Our first class felt a bit like the first day of a college course. We had an icebreaker and followed a power point for a good portion of the time. We were given a bound packet of papers to keep and follow along. It's got articles and outlines and info galore! Though I've learned a lot about the history of adoption and stages of grief and of emotions that all parties share, I have to say one of my favorite parts has been getting to meet a family who has adopted, in each class. So far we met a couple who adopted an infant out of state and had a most wonderful experience and another couple who adopted (twice now) from Korea. The domestic adoption was the first introduced. They were present for the birth of their child, allowed to stay in the hospital with their child on the second night, and able to take the child home with them 2 days later when the child was released from the hospital. They have a strong relationship with the mother and family and have grown close to them, making it a wonderful opportunity for their child to some day know his/her birth parents. Of course, most adoptions do not happen that way and parents are not always able to bring home their child so quickly, but it was a beautiful account of a precious moment in all their lives. We also get to meet the children who join the families which is fun. And I love to see the little babies! The international adoption brought to light what a journey (literally and figuratively) it can be to simply meet and bring home your child. While they had a good experience, there are things they are learning about cross cultural adoptions that were, I think, helpful to hear.
We've also met cool couples in our class and I'm very excited for them as well! Some are already in the waiting pool and some are, like us, just about to turn everything in and join the club. Bradley and I have turned everything in, minus one thing Bradley has left to do, and then we will have our second interview, have our homevisit(s)and get approved for the waiting list. Our last big piece of the puzzle while waiting to meet mothers will be to create a scrapbook on Shutterfly to introduce ourselves to the mothers/fathers looking to find good homes for their child(ren). I think I'll start on the scrapbook tonight. I'm so very excited to put it together and yet, there is a little pressure as we have to represent ourselves briefly in only the few pages of this book. That first impression is what sparks or quenches a mother's interest in us and will help her decide if we are the right parents for her child. One couple showed us their book (it was so well put together!) and said the hardest part was finding photos to represent all they do in their lives. Usually people don't have photos of many of the things they like to do, like running or cooking, knitting, painting, volunteering. I didn't really think about it until they mentioned it so we'll be taking a lot of pictures of us doing regular things so we can "demonstrate" our lives in a nutshell. Exciting! YAY! If you have the perfect candid (or I guess posed) shot of us, feel free to e-mail it to me and it may just make it into the book! It doesn't have to be just of Bradley and/or me. We want pictures that represent our lives, including friends and family. Join us in our preparations for this little one's mother and/or father to consider us a good home!
And now I think I will start on that album. Fun fun fun! Night night and have a wonderful, lovely, love-filled Thanksgiving!
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Autobiography
Today I printed off my autobiography draft!!! My life condensed into 15 pages. The required content touched on my upbringing, my parents' marriage, our courtship and marriage, how we came to decide on adoption, disciplinary thoughts, etc. So many milestones are left out but it's intended to give the agency a glimpse into our lives so that our second interview does not have to answer all those questions in person. The autobiography has been the most difficult and time consuming part of the process and once Bradley finishes his, we will submit the full packet of paperwork we've been working on for months. Our first required class begins on November 7th. We'll be meeting with other adopting parents and have guest speakers including families who have already adopted through the agency. There are about 5 of these classes, each 3 hours in length spread out over approximately one month's time.
My sister highly recommends that Bradley and I attend a parenting class taught by Ken West who she has taken classes from in her master's program. I think we will look into that and if anyone else has some suggestions for helpful classes for first time parents, please feel free to comment on here and throw us some suggestions.
Everyone have a safe and happy Halloween tomorrow!
-Erica
My sister highly recommends that Bradley and I attend a parenting class taught by Ken West who she has taken classes from in her master's program. I think we will look into that and if anyone else has some suggestions for helpful classes for first time parents, please feel free to comment on here and throw us some suggestions.
Everyone have a safe and happy Halloween tomorrow!
-Erica
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