We're finally in the spot light but it's going to be a pantomime from here on out...

Compadres! Family! Friends and Strangers! Greetings!

I read back through some previous blogs and discovered I could never make it as a full-time employee and good blogger simultaneously. It has been exactly one year since I posted my last entry. Oddly enough, I could almost use the same entry to describe where and how we are 370 days later. In fact, Bradley's work week has been so tough, he is currently asleep upstairs and has been since 5pm tonight. His schedule for the next two-few weeks include work shifts from 1am-4pm mixed in with regular 8am-7pm days, too. It's taking a toll on his body which has been battling a cold for about a week but yet, he pushes through and reminds me that all this over time and odd hours is better worked now than when we have a child.

So, today, September 18 2013 8:23PM. I sit in our "new" house living room. Clicking away on the laptop. The house is quiet. The house is so strangely quiet. I think the most common phrase I've heard from people giving their advice on what it will be like to be a parent is, "Enjoy the peace and quiet now. Get all the good sleep you can. Because when you have a child it will be 18 long years before you have that again!" My response (if only in my head): wahh wahhn "Thanks Debbie Downer". No, I understand that "everything changes" when you have a baby. Or maybe I don't understand but I think I have been told enough to believe it and defend it to the end, whether I understand it yet or not.

I received word from our social worker recently that we have finally (!!!!!!) moved into the long awaited and sought-after spotlight. We are now #2 on the list! This means, when an expectant mother contacts the agency and says she is ready to review to-be parent profiles, she will actually see ours! The top three waiting families are shown and the mother has the opportunity to choose one of those or perhaps decide to be shown other profiles. But typically, it's one of the top three families that are entrusted next with the gift of being parents. While this is all very exciting, currently there are no expectant mothers waiting to choose families. So, as we have done for the last (almost 6 years of marriage) we wait with measured portions of hope and anticipation for the news that we may become parents.

I'd like to direct you to read one of my previous blog posts called "Adoption Etiquette" which I think had some good points. Perhaps you read it before and it would just be a refresher. I also want to invite you to consider that while I love to talk about the adoption process (especially to those who are interested in pursuing adoption themselves or those who are very unfamiliar with it) there will be even less mention about our personal position in the adoption process than before (if you can believe that's possible).
Let me 'splain a little bit more. At this point, a mother may approach the agency and be receiving counseling through them or perhaps has already given birth to her child. She will then decide if adoption is her choice and follow those steps to understand the process, make arrangements to follow through, and begin the emotional journey of her decision (whichever way she chooses to go). If she decides to place her child with another family,I think this may be the point where she is given the chance to look through the top 3 waiting family profile photo albums. If there is family or 2 who she would like to learn more about, the waiting family will be contacted and given a very very brief(1-2 sentence)summary that a possible match is waiting. If the family decides they are ready to have their profile shown, a limited and confidential (non-identifying) profile may be shared about the expectant mother and father (if available)with a waiting family. If the waiting family decides that they would like to accept this match, then a meeting is arranged to introduce the mother (and in some cases the father) and the waiting family in person. By this point, it is more than likely, though unofficially, already an agreed match. It would be decided then, between both families, how to proceed and how communication will continue, etc. However, it is very important to know, that a mother has a right to decide to keep her child(ren)up to 10 days after birth, even if the child goes home immediately with the waiting family. She may choose not to place her child(ren) and to instead raise them. It is her right. It is a difficult thing for many waiting families who begin the bonding process after birth and in their very own homes with this child who is soothed by, fed, changed, loved by their his/her new parents. This is why, in our case, we have not and will not be sharing information about potential matches until the moment has come when we can respectfully and without a doubt say, our child is home with us and we are proud to introduce _____ to our friends and family. We have chosen (accepted)the option of an at-risk placement, which means the child is placed directly in your care but with the risk of being returned to his/her first mother before 10 days is up. So, while many of you have emphasized how excited you were to read something you thought was a hint to a pending adoption, I hate to burst your bubbles, but it is or was not. Only the very clear, no question statement will be made about the match.

We have, for example, had some opportunities presented to us but for one reason or another they were not matches. Had we shared the potential excitement each time, it would be difficult (emotionally and time-wise) to explain to everyone when it didn't work out. It is also a very very private matter and explaining why a match didn't work out is not something that we care to share either. I'd be happy to share person-to-person why we don't want to share it (so that you understand what some people may go through when adopting) but will not share the specifics of why a specific opportunity was not a match for us. Does that make sense? So, just know that you can ask, but I may simply let you know that it's private. As I wrote in the "Adoption Etiquette" piece, please don't take it personally as a rejection, it's just simply ours to hold in confidence.

SOOOOOOO, that being said, if I get any better at writing more on this blog, you may hear from me soon. Otherwise, the next time I post on "Baby Steps" it may be with a photo of our little one(s). By-the-way, I keep throwing out the "child(ren)" and "one(s)" plural forms because we have on our applications that we are accepting of multiples. So any prayers, positive energies, thoughts sent our way for multiples are as equally appreciated as those for any other reason.

Cheers to you all in each of your homes, apartments, offices, cars, favorite restaurants/bars, or wherever you may be when you read this. May you each be blessed with the opportunity to wait long and hard for something that is so worth while! I can tell you, building up years and years of love and anticipation for this child(ren) who we've never met or might not even be conceived yet, has me just evermore grateful for all the people who are making this possible (friends' and family support, the adoption agency, other waiting families, financial supporters, and most importantly the mother who will choose us to raise her child).

Buenas Noches!
-Erica 9:16PM

Home again. Home again.

(Disclaimer: I wrote this with paragraphs but apparently EBlogger doesn't DOOoo paragraphs and it took them out. So I apologize for the HUGE paragraph.) Reporting live from our new home, we have completed the most recent steps for the home study. We had to have cabinet locks, locked medicine boxes, fire extinguishers, etc. all here at the house though they don't have to be installed yet. While our house passed without any concerns, we are only approved for one child at this time (though we are open to a multiple birth adoption) because we only have one extra bedroom with a bed and one dresser/closet. So in order to be actually approved for placement of multiple children, we would need to have the "2 beds" and "2 closets or dressers" available. If a mother of multiple children chose us we would have notice and be able to get those at that time and then be approved so unless a mother finds us immediately it's all good. From what I understand, this is it. Now we officially just wait (for 6 months). If no child has been placed in that time, then we have to update finances, have another home visit, update whatever else is required to update, I think... I got lost in that conversation day dreaming of the possibility of being parents within 6 months. Meanwhile, Bradley is working long hours at his full time job and pulling at least one full day a week at his part-time job, plus additional hours as possible after his full time shift. While I'm happy that Bradley's working so hard for us, I miss him. But each hour he works and isn't here now, is possibly another hour he can then spend at home when we have a child. I'm loving my job and my supervisor just asked me the other day about maternity leave. Talk about a reality check. I've let him know that it could be 2 years before a child is placed with us... but I suppose it could be sooner, too. That brought up a new thought to me...maternity leave. While birth mothers are eligible for paid time off after a child is born for "Short-term Disability" neither of us (my supervisor nor I) knew if that would apply to me. I would of course be given unpaid time off for maternity leave and they would not let me go, but compensation for time off may not apply. Any adoptive parents know anything about this? I suppose it's best to find out as soon as possible. And then there is the preparation for nursing. Friends of Bradley and mine are eagerly anticipating the birth of their baby boy who they will be adopting ANY DAY NOW!!! She is going to be nursing and has had to begin a weeks long regimen of medications and daily pumping (with a goal of 8 times per day!!!)to trigger her body to produce milk in time for baby's arrival (ANY DAY NOW!!! can you tell I'm excited for them?). While they knew (5?) months in advance that they would be adopting their boy, I'm wondering how it works for mothers who don't know that far in advance. How far in advance is too far in advance? Then again, she also reassured me that of course if for some reason I'm unable to produce milk, there are organic and safe formulas or other sources available, too. While I hope to nurse for as long as possible while our baby is ... well a baby... I am a bit relieved to be reminded that there are options. Another thought that comes to the forefront as we are now approved for waiting, is fundraising. I welcome ideas for how to fund raise, find grants, or other means to help us to pay for the adoption costs. While we're being frugal and doing our best to plan ahead, the costs are still significant. We welcome ideas anyone has. The pay pal donations were very kind and those who donated are so greatly appreciated, but they only covered the application fee of $200. So we have a way to go to reach our goal of $6000. That will cover the adoption fees. We have already planned for and hope to have enough to pay for the mother's hospital bills unless she should choose to have a home birth or natural birth with a midwife only... which would be my dream come true (for the sake of her and baby... not because of the money). Anyway, I ramble. Time to go do some laundry and housework while Bradley's out working hard to provide for his family. Love and peace to you all who have taken the time to read this. Erica

Le Foto Album!

Oui oui! Our album is complete... at least until we move. Sigh. The next few months of our lives will prove to be, it is my prediction, quite difficult. I have resigned from my position as Director of Day Support, am still working to complete my work to become a Board Certified Positive Behavior Support Facilitator, minutes ago we signed an acceptance on an offer made to purchase our house, and there is the potential of a child joining us in the next 2 years.

Then again, my not having a job come May 9th may lead to the banks not helping us with a home loan, which may lead to us living in smaller more temporary housing, which in turn could delay the adoption placement. My resignation timing may have been poor, but it was necessary. I know that things work out, "It's all going to be all right". I believe that. Hard times usually pass and coming through them means the start of a better day!

ANYWAY, our album is now complete and you may view it (hopefully by clicking on this web link or copying and pasting it to your browser. Be sure to click on "Full screen view" or else the images will be distorted and you may not be able to read the small print)

http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AcNWLZi2auGLC_g&cid=SFLYOCWIDGET

Of course when if/when I find a new job, and if/when we move into a new home, we will have to update our book and reprint for mothers to see a more accurate picture of our lives.

And just when I thought, "That's it! Now all we do is wait!" we got a letter in the mail; TODAY! It stated that we may be excused from having to complete all the new requirements for our home before the homestudy is considered "complete". I believe we will be grandfathered in. Otherwise, it would mean we have to be ready for a placement at any given moment, (ex. have beds or crib/pack-n-play/etc. in place for each potential child, have extra fire extinguishers in certain locations, have all meds locked up, emergency evacuation plan and supplies in place,etc).

So stay tuned! We'll be making ch-ch-ch-changes in many big aspects of our lives and will have plenty to report soon.

Home Study- Complete!

Home Study- COMPLETED!

Technically, as of February 10th at around 5pm, our Home Study was completed, ending with our home visit! The home study will officially be complete sometime this week (likely on Valentine’s Day) when it is approved and submitted before the deadline (Valentine’s Day). Phew… just under the wire. We are now at the bottom of the list (12th) for potential adoptive parents being represented through CCC in the Roanoke area.

Our home visit consisted of giving our social worker a tour of our house and property. While we don’t necessarily have everything set up to bring a child into our home next week, we were advised to set up the house as though we were meeting Foster Parent requirements. The regulations are quite strict and we may have gotten in just in time as the requirements are expected to become even more intensive this May! We need to have certain things locked up (cleaners, medicines, etc.) and meet safety regs within the home. Technically, we will be Foster Parents for a period of time until all parental rights are relinquished to us, even if the mother chooses us to be adoptive parents. As it was explained to us, that could be within 10 days of the birth of the child or it could be several months, if the paternal rights have not legally been terminated (due to delay in notifying him or exhausting all means of finding him without success). Either way, once a child is placed with us we are told to mentally and emotionally prepare ourselves for the possibility of the child returning to his or her parents until final placement is given.

Because we opted for an “at-risk placement” (having temporary custody of a child before both parents have terminated their rights) we are also accepting that the child could be placed with us immediately upon leaving the hospital. We really wanted that in order to begin the bonding right away and to potentially begin breast feeding. Our social worker told us that more and more mothers are wanting their child to go home with the adoptive family right away, even sometimes allowing them to stay in the hospital until the baby is released, so they can visit with, feed, even sleep in the same room as the baby. That would be ideal. That is what we hope to happen.

All that is left for us to do before our names go on the prospective parents list for mothers to review, is to finish our profile book which is essentially a photo album and at a glance summary of our lives. Once we do that, we have only to wait for calls from our social worker.

So that everyone who reads this is aware, the waiting period will be a time we keep fairly private. Similar, I suppose, to the choice a couple makes to not share that they are expecting until the 3rd month of pregnancy, we too, will not be announcing every call from our social worker that indicates a mother would like to review our profile. As our social worker warned us, there may be several or many calls in the next few years but we must keep in mind that just because a mother reviews our profile, or even narrows us down to a couple families, or even decides to choose us for placement, things can change. Telling everyone, every time there is a potential child to place with us, would likely be too difficult for us to have to explain every time plans change. We will rely on our closest supports for prayers and comfort through those difficult times. It is our choice to reserve the right to keep our hopes to ourselves and appreciate everyone’s understandings if/when we choose not to talk about each potential placement. When there is good news, that we are confident about, we will share it in due time and welcome prayers and celebration then. We may answer simply with “We’re still waiting,” which will not be untrue. Please do not take offense but know that is just a way for us to deal with the roller coaster in our own way, without bringing everyone else along for the emotional ride.

So our last project before we start getting these inquiring calls, is to put this photo album together to show mothers who we are in about 40 or fewer photos! Whew… it’s hard to express to a stranger who may never meet you, what your beliefs, family life, interests, personalities and life goals are in as few words as possible. We have to find photos that are unique and creative and interesting because a mother’s and father’s glances may be our only chance to introduce ourselves. We don’t have any professional photos other than what were taken at our wedding, so we may look into getting some taken… something unusual and creative. There is one local photographer we are considering. But now I am just rambling.

At last, we have reached the end of the paperwork (at least until the legal matters come into play). So within a few years… could be as long as 3 years… we hope to have wonderful news to share with you all. In the meantime, we appreciate your prayers for strength as we receive calls, interviews, hopes and heartbreaks while we wait, and prayers for the mothers out there who are dealing with the very difficult and loving decision to place their child into the care of someone else.

Adoption Etiquette

We have rung in a new year and with it may come many changes in our lives; not least of said changes would be the possibility of becoming parents. Today is January 3, 2012. 2-0-1-2. I remember when any of the ought years seemed so far away and futuristic and now we are into the second decade of the century. We are approaching the middle of our lives and will, hopefully, soon be parenting child(ren)who will look far off into his/her future and think, "Wow. The year 2025 is forever away!". Likewise, he/she may look back in the year 2025 and think back to 2012 as being soooo long ago. If we adopt an infant this year, he/she will be about age twelve in the year 2025. How's that for a reality check? And when he/she is old enough to drive it will be around the year 2030! And when he/she is old enough to rent a vehicle it will be about 2037! Uh huh... chew on that! And our child may not even be a sparkle in his/her mom's eye as of right now. But oh how I expect time to fly from this point forward... well until we meet our little bundle of sweetness time will probably feel like it's dragging it's hands(er... in this digital age time will be dragging it's satellite signal).

Okay. I digress. My title was "Adoption Etiquette". Have I already written about this before? Either I have or I've just thought about it for a long time. Did you know there are particular words to use and not use when speaking to families choosing adoption? I know I may be bringing to light some things that people have said, and the intention is not make people feel bad, but rather to give some perspective on feelings and thoughts that they may not have otherwise considered, especially not having been through the same sort of situation themselves. (Isn't that just like everything? Sometimes we mean well but because we're not in the same shoes and haven't been "educated" or had honest discussions... or blogs... about a topic we end up saying the wrong things or at least less than helpful things). Okay so here are some common things that you can take with you and consider to avoid or use in your next conversation with someone regarding adoption. Again, no offense intended. Some of these are from our class and some are from people I know who have adopted. Some are from our own experiences. All are intended to help you and others around you gain perspective. And by-the-way, I'm totally open to discussion and questions if you ever want to bounce questions off me. I'll only share what I'm comfortable with and won't be shy to say, "I'd rather not answer that," without being embarassed or offended. I promise.
Okay here goes:

1) A mother does not "give up her child for adoption". She "chooses adoption". It's a very difficult and painful decision because she cares enough to consider her child's best interests.

2)A mother is the mother is the mother. When her child is adopted by a family, the child's mother is then the woman who raises him/her. It is okay to then refer to the 1st mother as "birthmother". But remember, a family who adopts is the "real" family, the "real mother," the "real father" as much as the birth parents are "real". So please don't refer to the birthmother as the "real" mother. That may hurt the child and the rest of the family.

3) Please understand that though you've heard of a story where your friend's Aunt's 1st cousin got pregnant as soon as they decided to adopt, does not mean that everyone who decides to adopt a child will miraculously conceive a child "completely unexpectedly". Infertility is a painful thing and though there are some cases when people have been known to get pregnant after adopting, it's not something a couple necessarily wants to hear as a gesture of "hope". Adoption is exciting in itself because a couple chooses whole-heartedly to adopt. It's not a fertility treatment plan.

4) Adoption comes with a lot of grief. The mother who is deciding to choose a family to raise her child is grieving the loss of her child. A child, even a newborn, is potentially in the care of 3 different families (birth mother, foster home, adoptive parents) before he/she is even a month old. The child is grieving the loss of security in those crucial first days (or months or years) of life and has to adjust to many changes beyond what is typical. All this being said, respect a family's wishes to spend a lot of private time together at first to help the child transition to (yet another) home in his/her short life and build trust in his/her new home.

5)Please remember that a child who is adopted may have many questions left unanswered about his/her birth parents throughout life. The story about the birth parents belongs to the child and is very private as it may, in some cases, be the only connection and tie to his/her biological family history. Therefore, if a family chooses not to share about a birthmother's story, and chooses to let the child decide for him/herself whether to share that information or keep it confidential forever, is his/her right. Don't be offended if some or most information is not divulged... it's just precious and private and belongs to someone else.

6)NEVER ever speak negatively or even pitifully about a birth parent in front of their child... or even to others (words get around). Unless you are speaking about your own story, it is not polite or helpful to a child to hear harsh words about his/her parents. They are still, after all, his/her biological parents. (Ex. Don't say, "Oh he is so cute! How could anyone give him up?!" because that's very insensitive to the mother and child).

7) Be careful when using the term "adoption" for anything other than a child (especially in front of a child who was adopted). Reason; a child should never question that his/her adoption is real and permanent. Unlike adopting a pet or a highway, adopting a child is a lifelong commitment and cannot be reversed. It is an intentional choice. In class they used the example that a child may hear the term "adopted a puppy" and see that puppy be given away because it was "bad" and associate it with him/herself because he/she is "adopted". That was an eye opener for me.

8) Don't use the word "adoption" like it's a bad word and don't glorify it as a title or label either. Adoption is a part of a person's beginning but it does not define a person. Just like we don't typically introduce our children as, "... Erica, my vaginally-delivered-by-me daughter," don't introduce a person as someone's "adopted daughter". It's just not necessary or telling of anything. Families are typically comfortable with others knowing about their choice for adoption but they also don't typically think of it as being part of their family intros.

9)this goes with #4... If a mother chooses to feed her child (this doesn't just apply to adoptions) she should feed her child. Feeding is a vital bonding experience to aid in the relationship between mother and child. Even if the child is bottle fed, do NOT offer to feed the infant or bath the infant, etc. No one but mom and dad should feed an infant in the early stages of bonding. It is all the more necessary for a mother to do these things with an infant who was born to another mother because there is a missing biology to connect the two and they need all the opportunities they can get to develop that bond. So if you are helping out, change little baby, talk to little baby but when baby is hungry... wake mommy up and say, "here's little baby. Little baby's hungry" and let them bond.

10) Don't stare at interacial/blended families or families with children with disabilities. It's not polite and would it really change your life if you never found out if "that child is adopted or not" or what the family's story is? Chances are if you're asking, you might already have a good guess and unless you have a personal connection, it's fine to just smile genuinely as you would with any family and keep walking.

Gosh, I feel like I'm lecturing and i haven't even experienced most of these yet! Anyway, I'm getting tired and will be heading to bed now.
Write me if you have any questions or comments about Do's and Don'ts! I'd love to learn what you think or what should be added to the list. Of course also, it should be noted, I was not referencing our class curriculum so I left out a lot of helpful info, I'm sure. But those are what came to me on a whim.

Peace to you all, this chilly January night.
-Erica

Adoption 101

I'm an aunt!!! I now carry the wonderful and beautiful title of Aunt Erica! Bradley and I became uncle and aunt on November 3rd of this year to a beautiful baby boy. He, his mother and father are doing well and as all you parents know, adjusting to the changes of going from 2 to 2plus1. Bradley and I will get to meet him next week and I have every intention of showering him with affection and admiration for as long as his mom & dad will let me. Hearing the news of my sister-in-law's labor had me so anxious for the 24hrs until he was born. I was so excited and nervous and concerned and eager that I could not sleep well and had to try very hard to focus on work. And to finally have seen a photo of him, I just teared up and melted. There he was. Our tiny little nephew. I cannot wait to hold him and look at his miniature fingernails and toes and ears and nose. I can't wait to hear his little coos and burps and farts. I can't wait to see him looking around and falling asleep. Little guy. It's always been wonderful and sweet to see friends' babies and children but it's a much deeper rooted love and sense of aww when it's your brother/sister (in-law)'s child. What joy he brings to our family!

Adoption stuff:

So we've attended two of the required classes for our home study. In our class there are 5 couples including Bradley and me who are first time adoptive parents. One couple already has a child and the rest of us are going to be first time parents. All but one couple are adopting domestically at this point but that sort of thing can change. Our first class felt a bit like the first day of a college course. We had an icebreaker and followed a power point for a good portion of the time. We were given a bound packet of papers to keep and follow along. It's got articles and outlines and info galore! Though I've learned a lot about the history of adoption and stages of grief and of emotions that all parties share, I have to say one of my favorite parts has been getting to meet a family who has adopted, in each class. So far we met a couple who adopted an infant out of state and had a most wonderful experience and another couple who adopted (twice now) from Korea. The domestic adoption was the first introduced. They were present for the birth of their child, allowed to stay in the hospital with their child on the second night, and able to take the child home with them 2 days later when the child was released from the hospital. They have a strong relationship with the mother and family and have grown close to them, making it a wonderful opportunity for their child to some day know his/her birth parents. Of course, most adoptions do not happen that way and parents are not always able to bring home their child so quickly, but it was a beautiful account of a precious moment in all their lives. We also get to meet the children who join the families which is fun. And I love to see the little babies! The international adoption brought to light what a journey (literally and figuratively) it can be to simply meet and bring home your child. While they had a good experience, there are things they are learning about cross cultural adoptions that were, I think, helpful to hear.

We've also met cool couples in our class and I'm very excited for them as well! Some are already in the waiting pool and some are, like us, just about to turn everything in and join the club. Bradley and I have turned everything in, minus one thing Bradley has left to do, and then we will have our second interview, have our homevisit(s)and get approved for the waiting list. Our last big piece of the puzzle while waiting to meet mothers will be to create a scrapbook on Shutterfly to introduce ourselves to the mothers/fathers looking to find good homes for their child(ren). I think I'll start on the scrapbook tonight. I'm so very excited to put it together and yet, there is a little pressure as we have to represent ourselves briefly in only the few pages of this book. That first impression is what sparks or quenches a mother's interest in us and will help her decide if we are the right parents for her child. One couple showed us their book (it was so well put together!) and said the hardest part was finding photos to represent all they do in their lives. Usually people don't have photos of many of the things they like to do, like running or cooking, knitting, painting, volunteering. I didn't really think about it until they mentioned it so we'll be taking a lot of pictures of us doing regular things so we can "demonstrate" our lives in a nutshell. Exciting! YAY! If you have the perfect candid (or I guess posed) shot of us, feel free to e-mail it to me and it may just make it into the book! It doesn't have to be just of Bradley and/or me. We want pictures that represent our lives, including friends and family. Join us in our preparations for this little one's mother and/or father to consider us a good home!

And now I think I will start on that album. Fun fun fun! Night night and have a wonderful, lovely, love-filled Thanksgiving!

Autobiography

Today I printed off my autobiography draft!!! My life condensed into 15 pages. The required content touched on my upbringing, my parents' marriage, our courtship and marriage, how we came to decide on adoption, disciplinary thoughts, etc. So many milestones are left out but it's intended to give the agency a glimpse into our lives so that our second interview does not have to answer all those questions in person. The autobiography has been the most difficult and time consuming part of the process and once Bradley finishes his, we will submit the full packet of paperwork we've been working on for months. Our first required class begins on November 7th. We'll be meeting with other adopting parents and have guest speakers including families who have already adopted through the agency. There are about 5 of these classes, each 3 hours in length spread out over approximately one month's time.

My sister highly recommends that Bradley and I attend a parenting class taught by Ken West who she has taken classes from in her master's program. I think we will look into that and if anyone else has some suggestions for helpful classes for first time parents, please feel free to comment on here and throw us some suggestions.

Everyone have a safe and happy Halloween tomorrow!
-Erica

Just for the chance to be considered...

Of course going into this, we knew there would be a lot of paperwork. Gathering and signing documents. Writing our autobiographies. Submitting background checks and re-writing the same information about yourself on what feels like one hundred different forms. There is a lot of work to be done still. Even just today I spent about 4-5 solid hours just filling out forms, locating proofs of various insurance, sifting through bank statements and averaging our net income vs our net expenses vs our net worth! When I thought I must have gotten every last bit of information I could possibly be asked for, something else came up that I had to find amid all our purged or not yet filed piles of papers. Occasionally I'd take a form to Bradley to review and sign and sneak in a hug to boost me for the next hour. I have to say, as much time as it's taken to just do a portion of one of the first steps in the process, this is some of what I've gotten out of it:
1) I was very productive today. I managed to make breakfast and serve it to B in bed for a nice anniversary treat, got laundry done, did dishes and had a little singing time, cleaned up the kitchen, took care of the cats and jumped on-line here and there. All this was done before I ever started the paperwork because I wanted to have no distractions tugging on my mind. So way to get moving and on it, Me!
2) It occurred to me about 3 hours into the paperwork that as much as I sighed and huffed each time I marched down the stairs only to realize I needed to march right back up for something else, I was collecting this for the chance to be considered by a mother out there to raise her child. Each of these redundant forms is going to help the agency and a mother feel confident that Bradley and I meet the most basic qualifications to be parents. The paperwork alone won't give a clue about if we will be "good" parents but it will help the agency to know that we have no major holdbacks and that like anybody wanting to adopt, we too deserve a chance to be considered, so bring on the paperwork if this is what it takes!
3) If you've read my first or second blog you may remember that I have always been very fascinated with pregnancy and all the things that a woman goes through as she cradles a baby in her womb. Knowing I am not likely to have that, I can re-direct my energy to working towards this child by way of doing... all the paperwork it entails. It may not be as fun in some peoples' eyes, but I'm going to try to convince you otherwise! Each stroke of my pen and each clickity clackity on the keyboard is my time spent preparing for this child outside of my body rather than my preparing a child in me. And once the forms are all signed and dated, the autobiographies completed and the scrapbook of our lives closed, I will spend my time praying for the mother who will host our child and that she will be healthy. I will pray for her as she comes to terms with her decision to give her child up for adoption and as she seeks out the right home for her child. And I will pray for the child who could even already be born at this time. IN fact, (brace yourself) the child to join us some day could be delivered as I type this very sentence and the mother could be thinking about the future parents of her child! Wow! How's that for deep?! While the connection to our future child is unknown still, this paperwork, crazy and a bit of a stretch as it seems, is our proverbial pregnancy...

So I send this out into the great wide world; good night sweet mother and child or future child. May your time together be blessed with safety and health and know that we will love you/your child with all that we have in us.

Nursing an adopted baby...

Did you know that a woman can breast feed a child she did not give birth to. Ever heard of a wet nurse? For most of my life I thought it was peculiar that there was such a thing as a wet nurse. I assumed that the way it worked was that a royal woman (too busy or uncomfortable with the idea) or one who could not produce milk would seek out a woman who was with child or currently nursing and ask her to nurse in the mother's place. I presumed this would go on for as long as requested and then the nursing mother would finally be able to return to her own child whom she had been neglecting all the while. I never questioned my assumptions and it wasn't until a few years ago that I spoke with a friend who has adopted an infant and shared her story with me. When she mentioned she had nursed the child I was confused. It turns out that milk production is not directly related to pregnancy, although pregnancy of course stimulates milk production. There are different ways to stimulate milk production and you can research that on your own or talk to me privately.
But isn't that neat?!
Being a huge advocate for breast feeding babies, I was thrilled to learn this and it took no time before I was reading up on it and had decided that I would want to try that if ever I adopted an infant. Though some find it controversial, I have trouble understanding why. Nursing a child is perfectly natural and there is so much history and research to back the benefits of it (oral motor strengthening, bonding between mother and child, immune system boosts, nourishment at it's purest level, saving money and time, and more). A woman's body is beautifully designed to carry and nurture a child both during and after pregnancy and when a woman and child can nurse effectively, I encourage it.
Thank you, dear friend (I hope you know who you are)for sharing your story with me so that I may some day try to nourish my child in this precious way.

Donations welcome

I've now set up a PayPal account to accept donations. All money will go directly to application, agency, home study and legal fees only. (This does not include hospital fees for the birth mother and typical costs for having a child, as we had planned for such expenses if we were to have children "biologically"). Thank you for your support!

I've been trying to set up a paypal account for donations for the past two hours and have only managed to somehow post it to a blog instead of to the home page. I'm not even certain it can be accessed by people or how to get it to accept credit card or "other amount" donations. However, I'm exhausted and not up to putting more time into it right now. If anyone else knows how to customize the paypal widget, please feel free to contact me for your help!
Tootles and have a nice evening everyone!

Put on your nose plug... this blog is getting deep!

So, have you ever wondered what goes into adopting a child through an agency?  It's quite a self-exploration as you delve into your parents' history, your childhood memories and upbringing, your personal goals and beliefs regarding work and philosophies, views on discipline and child rearing, preferences for age, ethnicity, gender not to mention your reason for adopting.  While initially all these "questions" seemed like no brainers to answer, it has surprised me how difficult it was to write my responses.  Not only is it something that we don't often ponder for long periods of time... weeks and months even... but these are questions that evoke untapped and unexplored feelings.  So how do I feel about having an older child versus an infant?  Which country would I like to adopt from?  What specifically am I against regarding punitive discipline and why?  These are no longer private conversations only between my husband and me, but now we must explain and justify each of our beliefs to an agency who will determine, in part, who may be placed in our care; which child will be considered to become our child? And what if what I say is misunderstood? Will the slip of my finger on the keyboard interrupt the delicate plan of our family future?

This strange and rhetorical questions comes to mind repeatedly; "Isn't it strange to have a say so in choosing our child?"  I mean when a woman finds she is pregnant she must take care of her body and plan for the arrival of her child when it leaves her womb.  When a woman wants to adopt a child she must answer questions to help identify who her child will be...specifically.  I may be rambling and perhaps not making much sense but I suppose that is the point of blogging.  I just feel strange in a way to have a choice in the matter, to choose or not choose a particular group of children based on the check box options on our application.  Whether the outcome is intentional, checking a particular age group or domestic vs. international child could automatically eliminate children from crossing our paths at all.  I have to admit, it's a bit uncomfortable to be required to make such choices. I almost felt guilty at times, as though I were being asked to describe our "ideal" child...when shouldn't we just be happy with any child?   I have had plenty of day dreams and sleeping dreams about a baby being left on our doorstep for us to care for.  A Benjamin Button story of sorts.  How simple that would be, right? (ha!) No need for checking for typos or unclear explanations that could be the reason for a rejection letter or being passed over by a birth parent. Just, "here! now this child is yours and you are to raise it lovingly."  And we live happily ever after! Right?  Yet, that isn't to say that being such an active part of the finding and welcoming of our child is undesirable, because it has been an exciting and welcomed experience thus far.  I feel blessed to be considered as a potential mother for her child and it would not be so if we didn't make choices to seek out adoption in the first place.  I do understand that there are many many children in need and want of a great home who we could love and raise with whole-hearted support but due to a more obvious obstacle (aka "dinero") we are only permitted the opportunity to welcome one for now, and what a wonderful "one" he or she will be. 

I suppose it's hard to understand what I mean by all this.  It's neither a complaint nor a praise, but just something that has crossed my mind. Whether you've considered adoption or not, asking yourself some of those questions may open a window within you that you may not have ever opened otherwise.  You may learn something new about yourself, as I am doing daily. 

Tonight I wish you introspect as you click out of this blog. May getting to know your inner philosophies be an enlightening experience.   

Heartbreaks and Fist Pumps!

Before we ever married, we had both talked about the idea of possibly adopting a child some day. So here we are, nearly four years later, with the choices before us to help us become parents; medical surgery (not guaranteed and possibly expensive), IVF (not guaranteed and very expensive), donor (not so much) and adoption. 

As far back as I can remember, I've been excited to be pregnant some day.  As a little girl I would put a ball under my shirt or stick out my belly and pretend I was going to be a mommy.  As a teenager I loved holding little babies and thinking that some day I might hold my own child like that.  In college, the girls on my hall could likely set their watches by my routine of watching TLC's "A Baby Story".  Fascinated by the idea that some day I would have a teeny tiny little person growing inside me, I watched intently thinking, "When I'm pregnant, I will be so distracted with trying to feel every flutter of my baby and every symptom of pregnancy that I will certainly be of no use to anyone but the child I would be hosting." 

For the first year and a half of our marriage I waited, prayed and tried to will the first symptom of pregnancy into reality.  Month after month I received only devastating reminders that, once again, I was not pregnant.  At times I would tell myself it was no big deal.  Other times, it was as though I had lost all hope.  Shaking I would wait for test results just knowing I haaaadddd to be pregnant "this time".  That would be followed with tears and an empty pit in my stomach for a day or two or more.  Eventually, we began talking about the what ifs.  What if we're doing something wrong?  Maybe our diet or stress from work were to blame.  Maybe we were too focused on trying.  It felt like everyone I met asked/asks when we are going to have children and when we would say we were trying, they'd all say... "Oh just don't think about it.  Stop expecting to get pregnant and you'll get pregnant."  Easy for everyone with child to say.  I knew that people were just trying to be supportive and optimistic, but it turns out I felt that I was to blame because I couldn't "just stop thinking about it".  "Stop Stressing, Erica!!" I'd tell myself.  "Just don't worry about it!"  Sometimes I believed I had stopped worrying about it.  That is, until the next month rolled around and I realized I was heartbroken, yet again.  We finally began to see doctors.  Painfully, we rejected the first professional opinion and sought another doctor. We took time off work and drove to Charlottesville to speak with a surgeon (who we thought was also a fertility specialist) and after navigating the small country that the hospital is, we landed ourselves in the patient room covered with Bob the Builder decals and a miniature chair that was clearly for either an elf or a 4 year old.  Of course I sat in the mini lawn chair as we waited for Dr. Dread spend all of 5 minutes with us and then to tell us we really should just skip other options (that we thought we were there for) and go straight for IVF for the limited time offer of $10,000 and No Guarantee!!!  SWEEET!!!!  (I am exaggerating a bit...ehem).  However, the news was not hopeful and we left the office for a long hour and 20 minute drive home to start back at square one.  Talk of what to do next ceased for a long time after that. 

Slowly (we're talking another year or so) I began accepting the fact that we would not be having children without outside intervention or help.  It was not until then that we began planning, once again, for a family.  I began researching different organizations, asking questions and listening intently to the stories of others who I knew had adopted a child.  It was June 27th of this year that we attended an informational meeting at an agency I had researched and heard great reviews about.  We left that night with an application in our hands and having had two hours of adoption 101 flashed before us via power point.  But we knew.  After about 10 minutes of quiet pondering, Bradley turned to me in the car as we drove home and said, "I think we should get started on the application".  I turned and smiled and said something like, "Yah? Good. I think so too."  My internal dialogue, however, was shouting, "Hallelujah! Yes yes yes!" and I was pumping my fist and elbow discretely next to the passenger side arm rest, unbeknownst to Bradley.  Of course, the following night I began filling that application out and organizing our paperwork.  The application itself costs money to submit and requests a lot of detailed information that had to be gathered.  After a dermatology appointment (what we now refer to as the worst practical joke we've experienced together... but that's another blog) we headed to simply hand in our application before heading to lunch.  The lady who received our application happened to be just the right person and she asked us if we could wait a few moments while she reviewed it.  She returned shortly after and invited us to stay a bit longer for a first interview.  There was only one slot available and the night before was an orientation so she expected more applications right away.  However, she was interested in talking with us.  We agreed and after a first interview, we were given another set of papers.  These were the biggies and they came with big instructions.  

So here we are at the next stage of the adoption process.  Filling out forms, writing our autobiographies, gathering documentations of finances, previous addresses, photos for a scrapbook, references, etc. and all the while imagining that once we turn in our paperwork... when we hand it all over and complete the rest of our home study... we will be that much closer to being parents.  It could be 6 months from then or 3 years.  God alone knows the specifics.  But we are on our way to becoming parents and one fine day, the phone will ring and we'll get the call saying, "There is a lady who wants to meet you," and we will introduce ourselves to the birthmother of our child.  I smile just to type the words, "our child". Sigh...

Okay... okay... that's enough sap for one night. I have so much more to share but I must sleep.
Thanks for "stopping by".

Baby Steps

Welcome to our journey to parenthood!  Bradley and I want to thank you for stopping by our blog. 
As you may know or are about to find out, we are on our way to becoming parents.  Though it's been an emotional time over the last three years as we've struggled with infertility, we have found peace in the decision to adopt a child.  Our hope for this blog is to invite our community of friends and family to participate in and/or follow the process as we navigate the road of growing our family.  Adoption requires a lot of time, money, paperwork, legal appointments, preparation and patience before we even know when we will become parents... possibly before our child is even conceived.   We welcome your support along the way, in any way, shape or form and hope you find this journey as exciting as we do.