We have rung in a new year and with it may come many changes in our lives; not least of said changes would be the possibility of becoming parents. Today is January 3, 2012. 2-0-1-2. I remember when any of the ought years seemed so far away and futuristic and now we are into the second decade of the century. We are approaching the middle of our lives and will, hopefully, soon be parenting child(ren)who will look far off into his/her future and think, "Wow. The year 2025 is forever away!". Likewise, he/she may look back in the year 2025 and think back to 2012 as being soooo long ago. If we adopt an infant this year, he/she will be about age twelve in the year 2025. How's that for a reality check? And when he/she is old enough to drive it will be around the year 2030! And when he/she is old enough to rent a vehicle it will be about 2037! Uh huh... chew on that! And our child may not even be a sparkle in his/her mom's eye as of right now. But oh how I expect time to fly from this point forward... well until we meet our little bundle of sweetness time will probably feel like it's dragging it's hands(er... in this digital age time will be dragging it's satellite signal).
Okay. I digress. My title was "Adoption Etiquette". Have I already written about this before? Either I have or I've just thought about it for a long time. Did you know there are particular words to use and not use when speaking to families choosing adoption? I know I may be bringing to light some things that people have said, and the intention is not make people feel bad, but rather to give some perspective on feelings and thoughts that they may not have otherwise considered, especially not having been through the same sort of situation themselves. (Isn't that just like everything? Sometimes we mean well but because we're not in the same shoes and haven't been "educated" or had honest discussions... or blogs... about a topic we end up saying the wrong things or at least less than helpful things). Okay so here are some common things that you can take with you and consider to avoid or use in your next conversation with someone regarding adoption. Again, no offense intended. Some of these are from our class and some are from people I know who have adopted. Some are from our own experiences. All are intended to help you and others around you gain perspective. And by-the-way, I'm totally open to discussion and questions if you ever want to bounce questions off me. I'll only share what I'm comfortable with and won't be shy to say, "I'd rather not answer that," without being embarassed or offended. I promise.
Okay here goes:
1) A mother does not "give up her child for adoption". She "chooses adoption". It's a very difficult and painful decision because she cares enough to consider her child's best interests.
2)A mother is the mother is the mother. When her child is adopted by a family, the child's mother is then the woman who raises him/her. It is okay to then refer to the 1st mother as "birthmother". But remember, a family who adopts is the "real" family, the "real mother," the "real father" as much as the birth parents are "real". So please don't refer to the birthmother as the "real" mother. That may hurt the child and the rest of the family.
3) Please understand that though you've heard of a story where your friend's Aunt's 1st cousin got pregnant as soon as they decided to adopt, does not mean that everyone who decides to adopt a child will miraculously conceive a child "completely unexpectedly". Infertility is a painful thing and though there are some cases when people have been known to get pregnant after adopting, it's not something a couple necessarily wants to hear as a gesture of "hope". Adoption is exciting in itself because a couple chooses whole-heartedly to adopt. It's not a fertility treatment plan.
4) Adoption comes with a lot of grief. The mother who is deciding to choose a family to raise her child is grieving the loss of her child. A child, even a newborn, is potentially in the care of 3 different families (birth mother, foster home, adoptive parents) before he/she is even a month old. The child is grieving the loss of security in those crucial first days (or months or years) of life and has to adjust to many changes beyond what is typical. All this being said, respect a family's wishes to spend a lot of private time together at first to help the child transition to (yet another) home in his/her short life and build trust in his/her new home.
5)Please remember that a child who is adopted may have many questions left unanswered about his/her birth parents throughout life. The story about the birth parents belongs to the child and is very private as it may, in some cases, be the only connection and tie to his/her biological family history. Therefore, if a family chooses not to share about a birthmother's story, and chooses to let the child decide for him/herself whether to share that information or keep it confidential forever, is his/her right. Don't be offended if some or most information is not divulged... it's just precious and private and belongs to someone else.
6)NEVER ever speak negatively or even pitifully about a birth parent in front of their child... or even to others (words get around). Unless you are speaking about your own story, it is not polite or helpful to a child to hear harsh words about his/her parents. They are still, after all, his/her biological parents. (Ex. Don't say, "Oh he is so cute! How could anyone give him up?!" because that's very insensitive to the mother and child).
7) Be careful when using the term "adoption" for anything other than a child (especially in front of a child who was adopted). Reason; a child should never question that his/her adoption is real and permanent. Unlike adopting a pet or a highway, adopting a child is a lifelong commitment and cannot be reversed. It is an intentional choice. In class they used the example that a child may hear the term "adopted a puppy" and see that puppy be given away because it was "bad" and associate it with him/herself because he/she is "adopted". That was an eye opener for me.
8) Don't use the word "adoption" like it's a bad word and don't glorify it as a title or label either. Adoption is a part of a person's beginning but it does not define a person. Just like we don't typically introduce our children as, "... Erica, my vaginally-delivered-by-me daughter," don't introduce a person as someone's "adopted daughter". It's just not necessary or telling of anything. Families are typically comfortable with others knowing about their choice for adoption but they also don't typically think of it as being part of their family intros.
9)this goes with #4... If a mother chooses to feed her child (this doesn't just apply to adoptions) she should feed her child. Feeding is a vital bonding experience to aid in the relationship between mother and child. Even if the child is bottle fed, do NOT offer to feed the infant or bath the infant, etc. No one but mom and dad should feed an infant in the early stages of bonding. It is all the more necessary for a mother to do these things with an infant who was born to another mother because there is a missing biology to connect the two and they need all the opportunities they can get to develop that bond. So if you are helping out, change little baby, talk to little baby but when baby is hungry... wake mommy up and say, "here's little baby. Little baby's hungry" and let them bond.
10) Don't stare at interacial/blended families or families with children with disabilities. It's not polite and would it really change your life if you never found out if "that child is adopted or not" or what the family's story is? Chances are if you're asking, you might already have a good guess and unless you have a personal connection, it's fine to just smile genuinely as you would with any family and keep walking.
Gosh, I feel like I'm lecturing and i haven't even experienced most of these yet! Anyway, I'm getting tired and will be heading to bed now.
Write me if you have any questions or comments about Do's and Don'ts! I'd love to learn what you think or what should be added to the list. Of course also, it should be noted, I was not referencing our class curriculum so I left out a lot of helpful info, I'm sure. But those are what came to me on a whim.
Peace to you all, this chilly January night.
-Erica
